Can We Just Exist?

One thing that has never really gone down well with me, as in, it just makes me uncomfortable, is the idea of making fun of people, especially over body parts they have no control over.

I was walking home with my roommates one hot late afternoon after lectures, discussing what we were going to eat once we got home. You know those days when you have back-to-back lectures from 9 a.m. and by the time you're going home, the only thing keeping you alive is the thought of food?

Some were talking about warming eba, some were talking about soaking garri, while some were talking about eating leftover rice or beans.

Me, I already knew I was amongst the soaking-garri gang because who has the energy to start cooking that afternoon? Abeg ooo.

So there we were, bantering and wiping sweat off our faces with handkerchiefs, when one of the boys amongst us suddenly placed his hand over his mouth.

We all looked at him suspiciously.

As he is one of the funniest people in the group, we were expecting one of his usual jokes.

Then he said,

“See nyash ooo.”

We looked towards the direction he was looking at, only to see a very voluptuous lady and a slim lady walking side by side across from us.

He continued.

“Her friend no even get nyash sef... words and opposite.”

Mtchew.

We all laughed.

I laughed too.

However, I thought about that incident several times afterwards and realised that... hmm.

It really wasn't funny.

It wasn't because the lady had heard him. She hadn't.

It wasn't also because he was necessarily trying to hurt her. He wasn't, it was just a joke.

But because the other girl had done absolutely nothing to deserve being reduced to the size of her backside.

And that was when I started wondering: why do we find these things so funny?

Why is someone's body automatically an invitation for commentary just because it doesn't look like what we consider ideal?

I started noticing how often we do this.

And honestly, human beings can be very funny.

Nowadays, you see women going under the knife just to get a body that society has decided is the “correct” body.

And sometimes I wonder, who even came up with the idea of what perfect looks like?

Because think about it.

If a woman is too slim, she needs to add weight.

If she's curvy, she's showing off.

If she's flat-chested, people have something to say.

So... which one are we doing? 😭

And no, please, let's not turn this into a gender war. Men have entered this matter too.

I've seen ladies shun or disrespect perfectly good, well-meaning men simply because they're short.

And I'm always wondering, how is that the man's fault?

Did he wake up one morning and say, “Today, I shall be 5'2”?

Height is largely influenced by genetics, with other things like nutrition and general health also playing a role while a person is growing.

So, genuinely, what exactly are we mocking?

And why do we treat something someone has little or no control over like it is a character flaw?

Sometimes, I know it's just banter. I really do.

But the thing is, you don't know what those words are doing in someone's head.

That person may go home and stare at themselves in the mirror with loathe because of something someone said.

You don't know when your “just a joke” becomes the one comment that finally gets to them.

And this is where I start thinking about all the other things we casually make fun of.

Like skin colour.

I've seen people jokingly call very dark-skinned people “midnight,” “darkness,” “charcoal pot” and all sorts.

Then the person eventually bleaches their skin, and somehow, the same people who mocked them for being dark will now mock them for bleaching.

With all due respect, what exactly did you expect from them?

Moving on, how about the stereotypes against people with bow legs, vitiligo, big noses, big eyes, big lips?

The list goes on.

I was body-shamed for having big lips for most of my life, and these comments were coming from family members ooo.

So imagine hearing something about a part of your body you didn't choose from people you actually love.

Whenever I sit down to really think about this issue, I realise that human beings are almost impossible to please.

I grew tall very quickly.

At 12, I was already a head taller than most of my peers. Like the King Saul of the Bible. 😭

Then I'd hear women advising me to stop growing.

Some teased me for being as tall as an iroko.

During assembly, I could make it to the front and still be sent to the back because apparently, I was tall.

I was often not considered for certain things simply because of my height.

At some point, I even wished I could become shorter.

And in a bid to somehow curb my height, I started hunching my back.

Now, I'm trying to correct a posture I probably wouldn't have had to deal with if I hadn't spent years being made to feel like my height was a problem.

We spend so much time telling people what they should change about themselves, as though they came to this world with a remote control.

At what point do we just let people exist?

How about those guys whose voices, quote and unquote, “didn't go through puberty.”

I don't think that a guy must have a deep bass voice to be considered a man.

Who even made that rule and added it to the signs of puberty in our primary 5 Home economics?

Just like our fingerprints are different, our faces are different, our bodies are different.

So are our lives.

I know that most times, these things start as friendly banter. And we can't walk on eggshells around everybody. People will joke. Friends will banter. I joke too.

In other scenario, people deliberately use these things to insult someone because they know it will hurt.

But honestly, I think that's one of the most condescending ways to fight someone.

Because what exactly are you saying about the person?

That their nose is big?

That they're short?

That their skin is dark?

That their lips are big?

Okay... and?

Is it not God that created them that way?

How does any of that tell you anything about who they are?

If anything, it says more about the person doing the insulting than the person being insulted.

The irony is that while we're busy telling people what is wrong with them, somebody else is looking at that same feature and wishing they had it...

Some other times, nobody even means any harm.

But maybe we should draw a line somewhere.

Perhaps there's a difference between laughing with someone and making someone else's insecurity your entertainment.

And honestly, I don't think it would kill us to learn that difference.

But then...

What do I know?