I LOVE LOVE. JUST NOT FOR ME. 😂

Not just romantic love.

Love in general.

Before 2021, I think my definition of love was much simpler.

Love was caring for people.

Love was checking up on someone.

Love was remembering the little things.

Love was being there.

Love was giving and giving and somehow not thinking twice about whether you were getting the same thing back.

And maybe I had my parents to blame for that.

Because these two people raised me to be too nice.

At least, that's what I tell them in my head sometimes. 😂

They taught me to care.

To share.

To look out for people.

To be considerate.

To love people genuinely.

And now I'm out here meeting somebody for the first time and somehow my brain is already calculating how I'll settle them when I finally hammer.

Like:

"Don't worry, when I make my millions, I'll remember you."

We literally met today.

Why am I already distributing my future wealth?!

Because the world is built differently.

People no really send you like that.

Sometimes you care deeply about someone and they don't care nearly as much.

Sometimes you show up for people who wouldn't necessarily show up for you.

Sometimes you give people the benefit of the doubt and they use it to disappoint you.

And somewhere along the line, you learn that having a soft heart in a hard world requires boundaries.

I think that was one of the things loss taught me.

Before everything changed in 2021, I was also capable of having crushes.

Yes.

Me. 🙈

I had a little prince charming. 😭😂

And at the time, I didn't even call him that out loud.

I don't think I could have survived the embarrassment.

But now?

Now I'm older and I confidently tell my sister and cousins about my loveeee.

"You know my love..."🌚👀

And they'll be like:

"Which one?"

And I'm like:

"You knowwwww." 😭😂😫

Meanwhile, this is someone who existed in a completely different era of my emotional life.

Because after him?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

No romantic candidates.

No butterflies.

No "What if?"

No "Maybe there's something here."

Just vibes.

And brother-zoning.

Lots and lots of brother-zoning.

In fact, some brothers don't even make it to brother status.

They get sister-zoned.🤣🤣

Yes.

I have somehow managed to invent a new category.🌚

What's funny is that I actually love romantic love.

I really do.

Give me a good romance movie and I'm seated.

I love watching two people slowly realize they like each other.

I love the awkwardness.

The little gestures.

The friendship before the romance.

The dramatic misunderstandings.

The reconciliation.

The whole thing.

I will happily watch fictional people fall madly in love and be emotionally invested in their relationship.

And somehow, I also play Cupid for my friends. 💘👀

I'll notice two people who might like each other and suddenly I'm conducting an investigation.

"Wait... you like him, don't you?"👀👀👀

"Noooo."

"Please. I have eyes."🙄🤣

Then I'm mentally planning their relationship before either of them has even admitted anything.

But put me in the same situation?

Absolutely not.🚶🏾‍♀️

Suddenly I have no idea what romance is.

I don't know her.

She doesn't know me.

We have never met.

😂

The idea of someone looking at me romantically is somehow so strange that my brain immediately goes:

"Aww. That's nice. Anyway, that's your brother."

Sometimes I think about my mum seeing teenagers these days falling in love.

And I'm almost certain that somewhere in her mind, there is a tiny voice saying:

"Look at them."

And perhaps another tiny voice reminding her:

"You too, remember?" 😂

Because I know I wasn't exactly born with a completely romance-free personality.

There was once a little girl who had her little prince charming.

There was once a girl who could genuinely look at someone and think:

"I like you."

But after what happened in 2021, something shifted.

I think experiencing loss made me understand just how temporary people and moments can be.

It made love feel bigger to me.

More serious.

Less like something you casually stumble into because someone is cute.

And maybe that's why I don't look at people romantically anymore.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just overthinking it.

Wouldn't be the first time. 😂

There is also another tiny issue.

My goals are wayyyy too big.

Like, seriously.

There is so much I want to do.

There are places I want to see.

Things I want to learn.

Problems I want to solve.

Projects I want to build.

Careers I want to explore.

Dreams that sometimes sound so ridiculous when I say them out loud that I have to add "by God's grace" immediately afterwards just so nobody thinks I've lost my mind. 😂

And sometimes I genuinely wonder:

Where exactly would romance fit into all of this?

Because I can barely keep up with the person I'm currently trying to become.

Now I'm supposed to add another person to the equation?

Please.

Let's breathe first. 😭

Sometimes I think my brain has already decided that there is simply no space on the schedule.

Actually, something happened recently that made me laugh.

I was just sitting by myself, thinking about life, and somehow the thought of becoming a reverend sister entered my mind.

I laughed.

Not because I thought:

"There is absolutely no way I could ever do that."

I laughed because I noticed something slightly alarming.

My mind became serious about it.

Like...

"Wait."😳

"Would that actually be so bad?"😏

And I sat there thinking about it.

And thinking.

And thinking.

And suddenly I was having an actual internal discussion about it.

That was when I knew something was probably wrong with me. 😂

Because how did we go from "I love romance movies" to "What if I became a reverend sister?" in the space of one thought?

My brain needs supervision.

I don't actually think I've stopped believing in romantic love.

If anything, I think I believe in it more.

I still think it's beautiful.

I still think there's something special about finding someone who genuinely understands you, cares about you, supports your dreams and chooses you deliberately.

I just can't currently imagine myself in that story.

Maybe that will change.

Maybe it won't.

And honestly, I'm not particularly worried about it.

For now, I like the way my life is.

I like caring about people.

I like being the friend who remembers things.

I like helping.

I like rooting for my friends' relationships from the sidelines like I'm their personal relationship manager. 😂

I like watching romance movies and screaming at fictional characters for making obviously terrible decisions.

I like love.

I just don't seem to want it for myself.

At least, not right now.

Maybe love doesn't have to look the same at every stage of your life.

Maybe there are seasons where your heart is focused on other things.

Maybe there are seasons where you're learning to love your family, your friends, your dreams, your work and yourself.

And maybe romantic love can wait.

Or maybe one day someone will walk into my life and my carefully constructed brother-zone system will completely collapse.

Who knows?

I'd actually be terrified. 😂

But for now, if you see me talking to a guy and I'm being extremely nice to him, please don't start planning a wedding. 😭

He's probably my brother.

And if I'm already telling him how I'll take care of him when I become rich?

Even worse.

That's family. 😭😂

Are you a hopeless romantic who dreams about finding love?👀

Or are you like me, happily watching everyone else fall in love while you're just there cheering them on from the sidelines?🙃

Or perhaps you're somewhere in between?🤷🏾‍♀️

Maybe the way we love says just as much about the season of life we're in as it does about who we are.

And maybe that's something worth thinking about.

— El Mitochondria's Korner