Some Days, I Just Don’t Want to Be Human

There are some days when I wake up and I simply don't want to do anything.

Not “I have too much to do and I don't know where to start” kind of don't want to do anything.

I mean I genuinely don't want to do anything.

I don't want to study.

I don't want to attend class.

I don't want to reply messages.

I don't want to clean.

I don't want to cook.

I don't want to wash clothes.

I don't want to be productive.

I don't even want to hear the word productivity.

Sometimes, I don't even want to be a human being.

And the annoying part is that I can't always explain why.

Especially recently, I've noticed something I don't quite know what to call.

There are days when I laugh and somehow... I don't feel happy.

I can smile. I can joke. I can laugh at something genuinely funny.

But somewhere underneath all of that, there is this strange hollowness.

Like something inside me is just... quiet.

Empty.

And if you asked me, “What's wrong?”

I'd probably say,

“Nothing.”

Not because I'm trying to hide something.

But because I genuinely don't know how to explain it.

How do you put an inexplicable feeling into words?

How do you say, “I'm not exactly sad, but I'm also not exactly okay” without sounding like you're auditioning for a Netflix series?

So sometimes, I just exist.

And I think that's okay.

Maybe there are days when you don't need to be the best version of yourself.

Maybe sometimes you just need to be a version that gets through the day.

As a student, there are days when I don't want to study.

As a sibling, there are days when I don't want to interact.

As a daughter, there are days when I don't want to hear “Come and help me with this.”

As a friend, there are days when replying “hey” feels like a full-time job.

And as a human being?

Sometimes I just want everybody to leave me alone so I can stare at the ceiling and contemplate absolutely nothing.

And honestly?

Skip the class if you need to.

Yes, I said it.

😭😂

If you are genuinely exhausted and you need one morning to sleep, breathe, reset and remember that you are a person before you are a student, take it.

Sha no get carry over. 😭

Okay, maybe sometimes it does.

So don't use me as your academic adviser.

But you get my point.

There is a difference between giving up and giving yourself a moment to breathe.

One bad day doesn't erase all the days you've worked hard.

One unproductive afternoon doesn't mean you're suddenly a failure.

And needing rest doesn't automatically make you lazy.

Which brings me to something my family would probably have a very different opinion about.

Apparently, I am the lazy one.

And you know what?

At this point, I own it.

With my full chest.

Because apparently, the standard for being an independent and well-mannered child is:

Wash the dishes.

Sweep the floor.

Wash clothes.

Cook.

Clean.

Repeat.

And somehow, if you're not enthusiastically doing all of these things, you're lazy.

Meanwhile, we are living in an increasingly advanced world.

Artificial intelligence is writing code.

People are working remotely from different continents.

Machines are doing tasks that humans used to spend hours doing.

And somehow my greatest evidence of responsibility is still:

“Did you wash the plates?”

😭😭😭

I genuinely hate cooking.

I don't particularly enjoy doing house chores either.

And I know someone is already preparing the “When you get married, will your husband cook for you?” speech. 🌚

Please.

Let's not start.

😂

But sometimes I wonder if it's even fair to call myself lazy.

Because what if I'm not lazy?🥲

What if I'm just tired?😩

What if I'm overwhelmed?😫

What if there is this lingering sadness somewhere inside me that I haven't figured out yet, and it has quietly drained my interest in things I normally wouldn't think twice about?

I don't know.

And that's the frustrating part.

I don't have a neat explanation.

I don't have a diagnosis.

I don't have a profound quote to wrap everything up with.

I just know that sometimes, I don't feel like doing anything.

And I'm learning not to immediately turn that feeling into a character judgement

Because I have spent enough time believing that every moment of rest has to be earned.

That every day must produce something.

That every hour must be useful.

That if I'm not studying, learning, building, applying, cleaning, helping or achieving something, then I'm wasting my life.

But maybe life isn't a productivity competition.

Maybe sometimes the most productive thing you can do is admit:

“Today, I don't have it in me.”

And then try again tomorrow.

Because trust me...

I cannot afford to not be successful. 😭😂

African parents have already invested too much hope.

My family has already attached enough expectations to my name.

I have already been introduced to people as the “bright one,” the “academic one,” the “this girl will go far” one.

At this point, failure is not even in my budget.

😭😭😭

But maybe that's exactly why I need to learn that success cannot mean being productive every single day.

I can want a big life and still have small days.

I can have huge dreams and still spend an afternoon doing absolutely nothing.

I can be ambitious and tired.

I can be hardworking and occasionally lazy.

I can be hopeful and still have days where happiness doesn't quite reach me.

Maybe being human is being all of these things at once.

So if today you don't feel like being a student, a sibling, a friend, a daughter, an achiever, or whatever other role you've been assigned...

Take a breath.

Do what genuinely needs to be done.

Leave what can wait.

Rest if you need to.

Cry if you need to.

Stare at the wall for an unreasonable amount of time if that's what your brain has requested.

Just don't decide that one difficult season is your entire personality.

Tomorrow might feel different.

And if it doesn't, we'll try again the day after.

Because apparently...

we still have to be successful. 😭😂

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